Me myself and i

In all honesty I'm comfortable with where I'm at now in life. I'm growing with god. Not to say our relationship is any better but I have faith in the potential. But I'm realizing how strong I am. I have a heart of gold. And I'm just waiting for that person to steal it away. But we're gonna do things right. And I wanna spend time learning what kind of person god created in me. I like me. I'm pretty cool. And since I'm stronger now I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I've found that lately I've kept a lot of secrets letting few people know few things. Because I don't know who I am just right yet. I'm figuring myself out. Decoding myself. Who I am. It was a bumpy road coming here. But I'm here and safe. It's safe to say that at a point I was scared of myself. My mind can hurt people and it liked to hurt me. By installing irrational fears. Making me think less of myself. That I was so terrible or did something so terrible even though I've done everything possible to be the best person in my soul that I can be. I will never disappoint myself again. I'm a strong women of god. And one day yes I will join him. Until then... There's a great life out there to be lived and I was put here to live it to the fullest. Now in some eyes that means fun. In everyway... Sleeping around doing drugs stealing drinking partying. In my eyes that means... Loving. Loving with every ounce of my being. Love is so beautiful so amazing so breath- taking. It's the only thing out there to live for. I'm so glad to have gotten over this huge hump in my life and now I can focus on Ashley. And who this remarkable young lady is.

Goodbye?

In many ways, I wanna pretend that I'm not about to do this. That I'm truly not about to say this. But truth is I am. And it's what I truly feel. You and I at one time had something beautiful. What we shared was love. We neve fought; we never had an problems with jealousy. We always wanted to be around each other. All the time. We were happy. Me and you were a terrific combination. Then you fucked up, by trying to get in my pants. I believe good things come to those who wait. Not those who press the issue to the point of no return. I should have stopped then: I shouldn't had chased you. But I did. Then we survived. Things were great. Absolutely amazing. When you laid me down to sleep and cuddled me and sang to me till I didn't respond to your name. Then when I woke up you told me " go check your car" when I walked outside you were there and my heart skipped a beat. You wrote all these notes did all these great things. You made me truly believe I found fucking prince charming. Then. You betrayed every single thing that ever happened between us. You betrayed my heart and me. You betrayed our future. Our past: and our love. For one fucking thing. For a sluts fucking nasty ass vagina. You ripped my heart out for that. After that we honestly hated each other. I hated you for causing me pain. And I wasnt going to let it happen again. Why do you think I got so controlling. Why the fuck was I so stupid. Someone who does that couldnt possibly love me. That's fucking a line of shit. I'll tell you why. I didn't want to be fucking alone. I hate myself for that fucking fear. Then my dad hurt me. In ways you and savannah alone know. And I calapsed in your arms and in that moment I knew just how much I wanted you. How much I needed you. I wasn't alone in that moment. You were with me in that moment. Then and only the. I thought we have a fucking chance. We can make it. He does love me. But I don't know what happened we just kept fighting and things kept falling apart and shit kept being said. But we fell apart. And I don't have the glue now. I'm too far broken. I keep thinking how you slept with her. And how sick it fucking makes me. How every time I think about it I want to rip my heart out of my chest from just how bad it hurts. And it eats at me all the fucking time. I fucking picture that nasty skank on you. I hate you and I hate her. That isnt what the fuck love is. You say I don't understand you. But truth is. That's not it at all. Something died and now we are no longer compatiable. We don't fit together anymore. As much as it hurts inside and even though I may change my mind again and again... Now or later goodbye is our fate. I no longer feel safe in your coverage. I feel like a victim. I never wanted this from us. I wanted you for
Us. But I can't always get what I want I can only get what God hands me. This was a lesson for us both. Treat your soulmate better please? I think mines still out there.

Love

I wish I could dream you up. I wish you and life worked perfectly. But it doesn't and I know that. All I want is love. The type of love I carry in my heart. The type of love that's never ending. The love that is breath takingly beautiful. The kind of love that leaves a tear in your eyes thinking about it. The kind that until the end of time you feel the tiny nervous squeeze in your tummy every time you say "I love you". Something beautiful something wonderful. Something other worldly. Something that leaves me fearless. Something that feeds my every moves. Something that is recipicated. When you see that person angels sing. Something people can see clearly. Something where every little touch is magnificent. Every little kiss leaves you calling out for more. But not in a sexual matter. Not just cuz you wanna get off. But because you want to join yourself to that person for just a few more secs. Than you'll be okay. A love you would die for. Someone who never leaves your mind. A combination of souls. Joining each other. (not sexually)endlessly hold each other. Cry at your love. Because your just that happy. With just that one person the world fades and your okay. No longer will you be a separate human. You will be one. Go everywhere together know what your feeling before the other person. Be one. Simply because it hurts you in all ways to be apart. This love... I want this love.

Monster

There's that fucking Word again. Alone. Coming back and holding me in its grasp. Terrorizing me. Destroying me. Eating me alive. Bring back the pain. That consumes every little action that takes place. Something I can't control. It just builds up what everyone hates. Me. I'm a monster. Because I'm alone. And nobody is here for me. Nobody wants to listen to me whine.thats all I am is a huge cry baby. That's all I want is someone to listen.

Why?

Why do I keep trying? Why cant I stop? I keep fuckig chasing you! And I can't stop. I hate it. I keep praying and hoping you'll be there but no. Your not and you won't. So why do I care? It's all hopeless. I can't keep trying there is no point I. Trying when I'm the only one who wants this. I don't want to give up. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't wanna do this alone.

Somebody

Why did you go and break what's already broken?Why did I let you in?To the deepest holes on my heart? And then you betrayed all of that. I told you things I don't tell anyone. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't even know what I was doing. I told you what few people know from being there when it happened. I told you something I don't really go telling anyone. And you called me her. Im not her. You've made it clear I don't matter. Fine uwhatever. I don't need to matter. I can do this alone. But I don't want to. I miss the past when I knew I had one person who cared about me. Sometimes I believe he still does. But I want you too. I want you to be my protector. I want us to be what we used to be before this got twisted into an angry mess because were both so angry at the world that we get mad at each other. This is who I am. Yeah I get mad. But of you just treat me like a princess I'll be better. Am I asking for too much? All I want is somebody to love me. Somebody to want me. Somebody to be by me because they want to. Someone to sit and look at me while I'm yelling at them look me I the eyes say "I'm sorry, I understand. I love you beautiful. Thats all I'm asking. Someone to accept me because they see my huge heart and they want it.

Alone

Im alone things happen and I need someone but I am alone. Nobody wants to be here for me or with me. I'm alone. I would do just about anything for love in this world I don't wanna be alone. I can't be alone. I need arms. I need them. Here. Now. But you don't want me. I'm falling apart. I don't want to be alone. I am falling apart. Fuck you. Stop acting like im a failure. Stop acting like your better than me. Like you did any better. Cuz guess what. You didn't. You did worse. Way worse. You could never do as good as I have if you had a second chance. I'm trying to be perfect for all of you. So you will love me but I can't. I can't be perfect. How could you? How could you expect me to be? How can every being in this world ask me to meet their needs. I don't know how to do it...I'm sorry. I'm trying. I'm trying. But I can't. I'm so sorry.

Moving on

I'm giving up and moving forward obviously I mean nothing to you. So imnnot going to force you to be here anymore or even try and don't come back now. Because you have made your choice so many times. So when Monday comes around just don't even try. Because I'm done trying to keep this together it's a one sided effort. Goodbye. Thanks for the lesson.