I'm falling apart.

Everyday gettin up and moving is getting harder and harder. Every breathe is weaker and weaker. All I want to do is sleep eat and shower nothin else curves my appetite. I can't explain it.. This time a year ago I told my parents I was depressed... Did it help? No. I'm fucking falling apart. My strength is failing. I can't trust anyone. Every fucking body lets me down anyways. It's funny how nobody cares. And all I want is you. You wrecked my life. Your a terrible fucki g diasaster but I would love to feel your warmth. I just want someone! To fucking love me, even though I know I'm not worth it. I'm sorry world. I'm so damn terrible. All these rumors and drama and you have to add your own little bit? You have to push me just that much more. This depression is sucking me up whole. A look in the mirror and I see failure and mistakes. I just want to do a vanishing act. Just get away to somewhere else. I am so stressed and so lost. I work everyday all the time to just pass the time. How else do I do it?? I'm so alone it hurts. The anger just gets worse and worse.. The pain just gets worse and worse. I hate you, I never loved you. I wanted to. I wanted love. That's all I cared about. I just wanted someone anyone to accept me and tell me I don't do everything wrong that I am worth something...to hold me while I tremble. To be my rock and my strength... I thought you coulda been. Only cuz I am out of options.. Forget you. You left me broken after you promised to fix me...

Heading down

Im on a nose dive down. To the bottom of this pit.I'm falling apart. My strength is failing. I just want to be beautiful. But I'm not.im sick. I've made my mistakes and I'm still making them. So let me fall apart and break. Let one more little action break me. Break this heart. Break these flood gates. Let It rain, let it pour. Let me fall. Let me hit bottom. Break me. Let me fall. And let me loose all hope. In more than just humanity but everything I believe in. Let me give up on sick hope. Let it go. Then cry alone. Then my lord reach your hand to me and comfort me. Than pick me up. Than give me the strength to climb these mountains. Let me become all yours. Lett me be your broken survivor.

Me myself and i

In all honesty I'm comfortable with where I'm at now in life. I'm growing with god. Not to say our relationship is any better but I have faith in the potential. But I'm realizing how strong I am. I have a heart of gold. And I'm just waiting for that person to steal it away. But we're gonna do things right. And I wanna spend time learning what kind of person god created in me. I like me. I'm pretty cool. And since I'm stronger now I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I've found that lately I've kept a lot of secrets letting few people know few things. Because I don't know who I am just right yet. I'm figuring myself out. Decoding myself. Who I am. It was a bumpy road coming here. But I'm here and safe. It's safe to say that at a point I was scared of myself. My mind can hurt people and it liked to hurt me. By installing irrational fears. Making me think less of myself. That I was so terrible or did something so terrible even though I've done everything possible to be the best person in my soul that I can be. I will never disappoint myself again. I'm a strong women of god. And one day yes I will join him. Until then... There's a great life out there to be lived and I was put here to live it to the fullest. Now in some eyes that means fun. In everyway... Sleeping around doing drugs stealing drinking partying. In my eyes that means... Loving. Loving with every ounce of my being. Love is so beautiful so amazing so breath- taking. It's the only thing out there to live for. I'm so glad to have gotten over this huge hump in my life and now I can focus on Ashley. And who this remarkable young lady is.

Goodbye?

In many ways, I wanna pretend that I'm not about to do this. That I'm truly not about to say this. But truth is I am. And it's what I truly feel. You and I at one time had something beautiful. What we shared was love. We neve fought; we never had an problems with jealousy. We always wanted to be around each other. All the time. We were happy. Me and you were a terrific combination. Then you fucked up, by trying to get in my pants. I believe good things come to those who wait. Not those who press the issue to the point of no return. I should have stopped then: I shouldn't had chased you. But I did. Then we survived. Things were great. Absolutely amazing. When you laid me down to sleep and cuddled me and sang to me till I didn't respond to your name. Then when I woke up you told me " go check your car" when I walked outside you were there and my heart skipped a beat. You wrote all these notes did all these great things. You made me truly believe I found fucking prince charming. Then. You betrayed every single thing that ever happened between us. You betrayed my heart and me. You betrayed our future. Our past: and our love. For one fucking thing. For a sluts fucking nasty ass vagina. You ripped my heart out for that. After that we honestly hated each other. I hated you for causing me pain. And I wasnt going to let it happen again. Why do you think I got so controlling. Why the fuck was I so stupid. Someone who does that couldnt possibly love me. That's fucking a line of shit. I'll tell you why. I didn't want to be fucking alone. I hate myself for that fucking fear. Then my dad hurt me. In ways you and savannah alone know. And I calapsed in your arms and in that moment I knew just how much I wanted you. How much I needed you. I wasn't alone in that moment. You were with me in that moment. Then and only the. I thought we have a fucking chance. We can make it. He does love me. But I don't know what happened we just kept fighting and things kept falling apart and shit kept being said. But we fell apart. And I don't have the glue now. I'm too far broken. I keep thinking how you slept with her. And how sick it fucking makes me. How every time I think about it I want to rip my heart out of my chest from just how bad it hurts. And it eats at me all the fucking time. I fucking picture that nasty skank on you. I hate you and I hate her. That isnt what the fuck love is. You say I don't understand you. But truth is. That's not it at all. Something died and now we are no longer compatiable. We don't fit together anymore. As much as it hurts inside and even though I may change my mind again and again... Now or later goodbye is our fate. I no longer feel safe in your coverage. I feel like a victim. I never wanted this from us. I wanted you for
Us. But I can't always get what I want I can only get what God hands me. This was a lesson for us both. Treat your soulmate better please? I think mines still out there.

Love

I wish I could dream you up. I wish you and life worked perfectly. But it doesn't and I know that. All I want is love. The type of love I carry in my heart. The type of love that's never ending. The love that is breath takingly beautiful. The kind of love that leaves a tear in your eyes thinking about it. The kind that until the end of time you feel the tiny nervous squeeze in your tummy every time you say "I love you". Something beautiful something wonderful. Something other worldly. Something that leaves me fearless. Something that feeds my every moves. Something that is recipicated. When you see that person angels sing. Something people can see clearly. Something where every little touch is magnificent. Every little kiss leaves you calling out for more. But not in a sexual matter. Not just cuz you wanna get off. But because you want to join yourself to that person for just a few more secs. Than you'll be okay. A love you would die for. Someone who never leaves your mind. A combination of souls. Joining each other. (not sexually)endlessly hold each other. Cry at your love. Because your just that happy. With just that one person the world fades and your okay. No longer will you be a separate human. You will be one. Go everywhere together know what your feeling before the other person. Be one. Simply because it hurts you in all ways to be apart. This love... I want this love.

Monster

There's that fucking Word again. Alone. Coming back and holding me in its grasp. Terrorizing me. Destroying me. Eating me alive. Bring back the pain. That consumes every little action that takes place. Something I can't control. It just builds up what everyone hates. Me. I'm a monster. Because I'm alone. And nobody is here for me. Nobody wants to listen to me whine.thats all I am is a huge cry baby. That's all I want is someone to listen.

Why?

Why do I keep trying? Why cant I stop? I keep fuckig chasing you! And I can't stop. I hate it. I keep praying and hoping you'll be there but no. Your not and you won't. So why do I care? It's all hopeless. I can't keep trying there is no point I. Trying when I'm the only one who wants this. I don't want to give up. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't wanna do this alone.